Day Three(ish): begin again again

There is a bit of insanity in dancing that does everybody a great deal of good. ~Edwin Denby

So …no.

I can’t read that book.

There are two reasons:

1) I started reading it once already …I didn’t finish it but I can’t re-read that which I already read. I am using the word can’t here because I can’t…simply can’t bring the book before my eyes …. It is wearisome and uninspiring therefore can’t is simply what it comes down to. And I feel lost just reading from the point I left off, which is an excuse, I just can’t.
2) I don’t want to read it.

I should have perhaps started there … I just don’t want to do it.

I bought the book because of its title. I think the very notion of non-conformity is appealing … Is that irony? I felt led by some desire to shake up my life. But at the end of the day, I must admit that this book does not have the answers I was hoping to find.

Websites about my personality type don’t either … I have looked. I have wanted insight …other than my own because my own way is murky and I was hoping for some light on the matter. But when I read other people telling me what I already know …I get a little lost, I get mired in doubt and that leads to frustration.

I told my husband that what I want is to be told — a clear cut way to a satisfying end. A voice to come down and speak to me … “Krina, you should be a …. Now go and do …. And then you shall be … ” What? Successful? Happy?

I know this isn’t what would happen … I would not find joy in being told. I know that it is finding the way, striving to get there, being courageous, and persistent which will be pleasing more than reaching of an end state quickly.

So I can’t read the book. I need to be doing.

First up — I am setting a goal of writing everyday.

Okay so I said it …writing …I know at least 10 other woman in my sphere, my community of peoples who also want to be and are writers. I add my feeble hand to the air as yet another, maybe. There may be much to learn between those two words “another, maybe” and I have shied away from learning the truth for years. I had a teacher who once simply told me “use it or lose it.” So I shall try using it for awhile and see if it still fits, if there is any use in it yet.

If not, if there is no personal worth to be found in this pursuit, I wish to lose it. To let it go, as much as it might pain me to do it, I have held onto this tiny whisp of hope so long, it has begun to bind up my heart and tear at my skin. It needs tending or removal if healing is to be found.

So I begin …again, again

IMG_3554

Straight of Juan de Fuca, by Emily Carr

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One thought on “Day Three(ish): begin again again

  1. Your voice is enchanting. Use it, use it, use it. I’m certain the greatest writers were surrounded by many hopefuls, so don’t be discouraged by a sense of comparison or intimidated by competition. Your voice is beautiful and relevant and whether is is useful to few or many we won’t likely know until well after a trial period. Trust that you will have revelation to share. I do.

    Liked by 1 person

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